A Christian Reads: Brewdening Luv
by TheFeaturedCreature
Summary: Poop flying in the sky, buses causing the apocalypse, and Edward sounding like beer? Sounds like a nice fanfiction to me. Let's comment.
1. Chapter 1

**Roxie's Note: Okay guys, so currently I'm writing a 'Homestuck' fanfiction...and it's gross.. like 'Eridan was all pretty and flowery as he was deflowered in the beautiful sun (By Sollux) ' gross (Actually, that entire thing was a joke). But I'm writing a Homestuck fic, so I'm probably going to publish that in a few days after I edit it. Meanwhile, I'm publishing this so you guys don't try to kill me. I love you, guys. THANKS SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING. I could not ask for better readers, thank you. I love you all-**

**Roxie**

Chapter One: Genesis** (Please let this be a coincidence...please, oh, God!)**

Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever**(So...are you a constellation? Which one? Say Sagittarius and I will personally shoot an arrow into your knee)** I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT**(He looks like a drag queen)** So hot.**(The tortilla I am eating is hot. The drag queen Meyer-pyre is _not._)**k now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1**(She even admits that she's a self insert!)** Because shes a dirte bithc**(How? Bella has no personality and is practically an idiot, but she doesn't act like a bitch.)**so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!**(It sucks Dualscar's balls)** So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo**(*Headdesk*)**

I hud to put my storie up hear becose the meenies at deleated it**(I can see why)** but I am glad the Jew and the Bird**(Being Jewish by blood, I find this highly offensive. And I'm sure the pigeons that my dad is raising find that sentence highly offensive, too)**are gone and aint flaming me anymore**(But 'The Roxie' is flaming you now, which is worse. I don't want to sound stuck up- but if your fanfiction is bad enough to be commented by me, it's pretty damn bad. And yes, I know I sound like a bitch at the moment. I'm not a bitch at all)**

I walked into the room and HE**(God? Are you implying that Edward is _God_?)**waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk**(No... no way. My gosh, my friend 'Bess' (in our Harry Potter RP) is a prefect. Wait till she hears that Edward's a prefect)** I thought he was a god**(You sound like an obsessed Twitard... oh wait, you are!)**Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars**(Fuck you, bitch)**) becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat**(Wait, what the hell are you talking about?)** so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.**(Do you _know_ how fucking stupid that sounds? Very stupid! I will scream this at Comic-con. Oh, if you're wondering who I am, I'm the short Aradia who hangs out with Lenore the cute little dead girl)**

I giglied when he lookd at mwah and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly**(Da fuck?)**. I flacked my long brown hare hoppping to git his atention**(I feel so sorry for your bunny rabbit)** I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such**(Bitch, elaborate)**. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu**(So, you _are_ a blue-blood?)**and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory**(My gosh, shut THE FUCK UP! FUCKASS!)**and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin**(Oh my gosh, Mary Magdalene was never a whore, so shut up. Shut up, and shut up)**but shes daed anyway.

Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn**(Alexandra Adornetto, is this you? It's me, Roxie)** but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).**(He taught us to forgive _everyone_, not just the good looking people)**

I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T**(And you're a Christian)** (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true**(I was also told I was an amazing singer. I'm decent and I've gotten a couple of parts for a musical, but I am _far_ from an amazing singer)**( and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way**(I think she means '_brewing'_. So I suppose he has beer colored eyes)**(erin: FORSHADOWING! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!**(That made no sense whatsoever)**)

He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice.**(His voice sounds like beer? Nasty)**

"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk?**"**

So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him.**(STALKER)**

He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend.**(So... Edward's gay? This is offensive to gay people everywhere)**He looks at me and turns away agin.

!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now**(You _are_ an ass!)**! GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev**(It's not Adem and Ev, it's Adam and _Eve_)**

Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF**(Waffles tease Fred)**? AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch**(Who are you talking to? No one left you a review, you dumbass)** - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI**(Says the girl who can't spell 'Eve' right)**. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will**(I'd love to read that)**, four peepole to hate is BAD.**(I'm not one of the first four who reviewed your story, so I'm not bad)** And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen**(Heathen sounds _awful_, no thanks. I don't want to go to Heathen)**. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE**(Maybe when you stop being a homophobe, I will)**. Anyway Edward is much 3**(You're right, he's so 3)** and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin**(The fuck?)** :3 xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo

Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen**(And then Roxie had a vodka and stage dived at an Abney Park concert. The End)**. I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it**(Words cannot express how _stupid_ this sentence is)**. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug**(*Gets a megaphone* YO, YOU LISTENIN', DAWG?)**.

It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes**(I don't doubt it...but I do doubt that you've read the Bible, seeing that you spelled _Eve_ wrong)**). I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah**(Sex..aaahhh...)**. I wounded who they were**(How terrible. I'll call Weenie Hut Generals right now!)**

I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious**(Maybe they weren't hungry? I sometimes have cereal for lunch)**, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian**(Oxymoron...)**. So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care**(I hope he nails you in the face)**. "Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning**(Hey, I'm still trying to get over the death of Turtle, so shut your fucking trap)**." I say and they all star at me**(She's the Age of Aquarius...or maybe she's a Gemini. Sounds like one)**.

They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes**(I'm dressed in a pj I got from Ross)**, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans**(They were all dressed in orange)**. I suddenly knew they were a familt and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are**(I couldn't believe how hot the Striders were, either)**. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty**(The Veronicas aren't emo and slutty)**. (If it wasn't agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah**(You just did, you loser)**) Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam**(Chowder)** wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour**(Oh shit...it's that scary, sweaty guy from my math class)** and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,333,##!)**(-^%4#?)**

"Why are you sitting here**(Because she has no life and desperately wants to bang you)**?" Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl.**(Wow, you're an idiot. Next time, I'll smile when a large bear growls at me!)**

"Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe**(Suddenly, Roxie sounds like a boring name compared to this bitch's name...it still can't top off Master Bates, though)**. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload" I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey.**(So Christian)**

"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily**(No shit, his voice sounds like beer)**. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp**(Wait, what the fuck? Your sister lied that she was happy and all of you went to camp for it?)**

"C'mon, lets go." He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me**(Let me put you out of your misery. There is)** and thats why he dint like me. It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.**(Biology for Fuckers)**

Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table**(This reminds me of _Twilight)_**. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking.**(He's lying)**

The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him**(I'm sorry, I'm not a whore)** he'll come arond becoz I love him.

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SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?**(It was shit. I swear, the only reason I reviewed this was because I'm bored and I was listening to Abney Park)** betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum**(Orgasm?)**. I love Edward and the Krillians**(Forget _Blue Bloods_, I'm naming my band _Edward and the Krillians!_)**, even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!1111 333 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox**(Fuck you, too)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Collisions

OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE**(Whoever said I was nice?)**! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say**(I don't pretend to be God, because I know I'm not)** DO NOT SAY IT!11111 No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now. Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS. Also I'm uysing a new devida up the top of da page because FF doesn't like ~ or my luv hearts : ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**(No.)**

/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/|| (These are ANGLE WINGS :3)**(They look hideous)**

Biologee went on for a while but then it ended**(I would have _never_ guessed)** There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar.

I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)**(No... I have no idea what you mean, but I honestly don't care)**

"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it,**(I feel so damn sorry for the bunny)**and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine**(I thought you were a 'bunett')**, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan**(Amy Lee _is_ Christian, and she's not a blonde)**

"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered**(Homophobic bitch)**happily.

"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?**(They're meyerpires and they have weird vampire sex every night)**"

"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot**(I read her mind)**. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically**(tG: Omg, lick Dirkk iz zo hawt, zo hawt)**.

"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson**(He 'calden' be with you because he's a whiny bastard)**. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him**(Lady Gaga comes to mind every time I read that sentence)**?" I told.

"O well he lives in the mountain I herd**(And he has goats, rams, and other animals! Just like Heidi!)**. He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her**(You smell like raisins!)** and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side!

He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him**(No...please, I can _never_ unsee that. Except with vodka, tequila, and beer)**. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows**( 'more sexy when he screws'. With that cold dick, I would think otherwise)**.

"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight**(Sparkle, sparkle!)**." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth**(He's a...woman, lovely)**, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot.**(Wouldn't he be cold if he's dead? I mean, if a girl who's drunk at 9:30 in the morning knows this, you should, too!)**

"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI**(This is the wrongest sentence I have _ever_ read)**!" He screemd and ran away. I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park**(LOL, cheesy shoujo anime!)**.

He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car**(And then he died, the end!)**. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all. But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111**(Bus, please kill Joan...please!)**

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OH NO THATS NOT GOOD**(Joan seems to have gotten into a bit of an egbert!)**! Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny**(Jeennnnnyyy)**, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3**(Vodka Mutini? Is that you?)**


	4. Chapter 4

4 – Savoir**(Salivation...lick it, lick it good! Hey everyone, I have the biggest headache of the century at the moment. But...I'MMA PLAY A DRINKING GAME! Vodka helps headaches...or was that Advil?)**

A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me. In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea! SO STFU! n i no Amee Lee was a Chrustian, thats why i lik her**(I'd never lick Amy Lee, no matter how much you fucking pay me)**! DID I BAG HER NO**(Actually, I don't bag my groceries, either!)**! Bad sinnares seriously stop mk? BE NICE. So anyway this is my 4th chapter**(Because I can't count)**. I am getting more excited wen i write this. I hope you get excited two - and thnx to all the NICE CHRISTIN REEDERS FOR LOVE :3**(You are not fucking Nepeta Leijon, 'mkay?)** xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||**(Angle wings)**

Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust**(If you read the shitty MS Paint graphic novel, it looks like a piece of shit with a face)**. I closet my eyes **(The fuck?)**because I was to scared to mauve. Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn't see anyone. It was ass if som1**(LOL sick fires, bro. Fuck it)** had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI!**(IT WAS EDWORD)**

I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk. Jenny was creaming at me**(What the hell is with all this public creaming? Do people not wear underwear anymore?)** but I couldn't here her probably. The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse**(You're not swag enough to rip off Abney Park. No one is. Except me. Because I'm a bitch)**. I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn't talk yet.**(And then I told hymn that 'I AM NOT A HETEROSEXUAL.')**

Then I saw something move from behind the bus.**(It was...ddadada...BATMAN)** I couldn't see probably, but i think it was Edward - there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost!**(Again, look at the MS Paint novel shit thing)** But he was gone befour I could get a good look. The bus driver whent away and so did Jenny and I went home.**(And smocked dope in the locker room)**

I ignores my dad when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn and who wants to be annoyed? Im good chrsitian. That night I was laying in bed**(Jacking off)**, I couldn't fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus**(So she creams herself)**. I watched the dark shadoes**(NO, WHY? BARNABAS COLLINS, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?!)** on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position**(Thank you for the blasphemy.)**. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no**(Hahaha, you're so cleaver)**. I couldn't think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn't now.**(I wouldn't 'now' either, because you see, I AM NOT A HETEROSEXUAL. I AM ASEXUAL!)**

I felt the bed sink beside me**(The fuck?)** and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me**(HOLY SHITOLA! Someone better call the cops!)**!1 He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything. He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders**(All I'm thinking about is that really kinky fanfiction about Karkat)**. I shivered but it felt good.**('OH, DIRK, IT HURTS BUT IT'S SOOOO GOOD! SCREW MY EAR MORE!')**

"whgat are you doing here?" I asked him confused and he giggled.**(Edward giggled? MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe)**

"Too see you, obliviously**(Yea, because that makes perfect sense.)**."

I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right.**(Hot girls, we have problems too)** We had a little talk about nothin in purticular, but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me. I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy.**(He took a blood oath to my Creative Writing teacher)**

I was confound because i dint know why he left. But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3**(Again, what do kitties have to do with this?)**

The next day at school everone was talking about me and the bus because It should have hit me. I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel**(No, he's a 'vampire', which is pretty much a demon.)**. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me.

"I think it was Edward that saved me." I told Jenny because I new he wouldn't laugh.**(Is Jenny a transexual? I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE.)**  
"Oh my god gurl, how?" She asked all excited.**('Well, I told him, if he didn't like me, he could shove his dick up English's swe- Wrong story)**

"I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it.**(?)**" I told her because I was excited. "And then he came to my house last night**(And I would call the police if I were you)**."

Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal**(Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Da)** said from behind us.

"What are you talking about?"**(Me, of course *Strikes dramatic pose* You know you love meh)**

I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen**(Best fucking typo EVER)**. Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper**(She's gonna have TWO baby daddies. TWO.)**.

"Um, nothing." I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces**(If you have red feces, you should get that checked out, Eddie-kins)**

The Edwards family came in, so he left. b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier **(I am a soldia'...Soldia' Roxie...has a ring to it)**and winked, asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him.**(*Headdesk*)**

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:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R**(Will the real Roxie Rex please stand up? *Stands up* It was me. I know who I am. Please, save your applause 'till later)**. Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk**(MKO-The Mirror)**? I don attack ur storeies now do I? LOVE FOR ALL! xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 - Confesson**(You are terrible at writing Spanish)**

Hello everyone! Thanks for reeding this far in1 but I want to take a moement to address the flammas**(Flammas? I like llamas...)**. OK IM GOING TO IGNOR YOUR NONESENSE FROM NOW ON SO SHUSH MMMK**(See, MKO)**? So be nice, which is better. think of the site as a neighborhood - be nice to da neighbars, ya**(Unless they're sassy twenty year old short haired chicks who make amazing commentaries, am I right?)**? cool and thanks to all the GOOD REEDERS OUT THERE

ooo "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." - Bible, Acts IX**(NO. That is _not_ a Bible qoute)**. 5 ooo (Seeing the site dosn't lik my diverders, the first devider will be a Bible quote from now on that is relovant to the chappy! or this case the autha not :3)

Edwerd walked on and on and we cmae into the woulds. It had been a long walk but I was tired and wanted to know why we didn't drive. He said he didn't own a care**(I don't a carp whether he owns a 'care' or not!)**, which is pretty wierd but then agin out here who knows how people live**(Me!)**. We walked on and on and then we stoped. We were in the woords deep now and at the base of...a small motanny hill**(The fuck?)**!

"Hey Edwad wtf are we out here?**(I'm going to tell you the story of Troll Jegus. Now sit yo' ass down so Momma D can tell you all about it)**" I asked in a sexahly, because maybe he'd taken me out here for some fun or somthing.**(Like sex)**

"Joan I have somethong to tell you.**(I got an STD from a psycho rapist sea troll.)**" he said and looked sad all of a sudan**(Best fucking typo EVER)**. I wanted to hug hymn better.**(I don't want you to hug me better)**

"What do you have to tell me?" I asked, but not sexah this tim.**(Hello, STD psycho rapist sea troll? Uh-huh)**

"Joan, I lik you a lot but I have a horrible secret**(STD.)**." He sed brewdingly**(Is it weird that I want a beer now?)**. A small **(god)**teir flopped down his cheek, and I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time.

"Joan, i'm not like otther guys.**(He's really a merman who lives on my uncle's ship, The _Aquarius_ and wears a seashell bra)**"

"I KNOW that silly," I laughed happily

"No, you don't get wut I meen." he turned and shivverd and looked sad even more. I frowned. Why was he sad? :'(

He looked back and spoke more. "Joan I'm actually an vampire."**(Eh, I was close)**

I gasped! OH SHIT, A VAMPTRE**(OH shit...yeah))**?! That's like really unholly**(Here, have some hollies. Now it's holly)** and not good at all, i thought. I felt sad and scared but I sort of liked hymn still, he'd been alone with me a few times I thot so maybe i could hear hymn out because I don't think he was going to ate me**(Seriously, where the fuck is Slenderman when you need him?)**. I was still scared though and wish I had of worn my hawt leather uggs**(Uggs are evil. Let's slaughter some baby animals now to make ugly as fuck boots!)** instead of the heals 2day incase I had to ron.

"A vampire? But I can't be with you if your a vampire because I'm a Chrisnt**(That makes as much sense as me being an Tilian)**!" I told hymn, tears falling from my eyes like a tap**(Tap of what?)**.

"He looked mortified and his face was a scrowly durpreshun**(Why am I thinking about mushrooms now?)**. he continued and edged closure towards me. "Joan it's ok. I'm not like other vampirs, my clan is different. We embarase the Lord and His weighs. I am a christina vampite**(I'm a rainbow drinker, bitches.)**!"

I stopped being sad and smiled at hymn. "Why is it bad then?"

"Because" He said brewlingly, "I think you smell nice and I'm afried I'll eat you still.**(Then go to Burger King, damn it!)** I can't b wif you."

I gsped. He wanted to eat me, which wasn't good, but there was something abot hymnb that I couldn't resist**(His Axe cologne)**. He was uba hawt and now a nice guy 2. I new he was the only won for me.**(No.)** I walked up to him and took hymn by the hand and leened into his sexah mussular chest**(Holy shit...)**.

"We will work thru it. I love you.**(No.)**"

He said nothing and we stood there for a bit, and then we went back to town.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooo**(Where the fuck did the angle wings go?)**

Yeah not much of a finelly but next chapter I'll moke up for it, so yeah. SO YES, THAT IS HOW HE'S A VAMPIR AND I CAN LOVE HIM OK**(Chillax, you self insert. Look, I write Homestuck fanfiction all the time, but that does not mean that I think that Eridan Ampora will fall in love with me. Why? Because he's FICTIONAL)**?1?! Anyway please leeve some nice revies and yeah. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER! xoxoxoxoxooxoxx :3


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